It's not that I haven't tried.

It was like the car crash with Mike, but without the car crash, and with ten times the pain.

When you're in a relationship, you make plans. I made plans.

And then, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, they all went away.

Life's never been the same since.

People ask me why I have trouble committing.

I think it's because I fear all my possible plans will fade away again.

I once thought I was sure, and then that bubble burst. I have hope of being sure once more, unfortunately the overwhelming anxiety from the unknown usurps my common sense. But I still have hope, it's just laden with fear.

So I keep moving and breathing, lest the plans end before I want them to. Lest the loneliness will consume me.

Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

Emotionally High
Fingers running through my hair, pulling tufts out at the scalp
I want to sing and scream and dance and let out some pent up .. I don't know.
I really don't know - I should.
Perhaps I'm holding things back from myself.
I'm not listening to myself screaming out how lonely I am.

No one else knows - because I don't tell them. Tell them how sad I am. How I don't even feel at home in my own home.

I'm lost - in a world I never fathomed.

Tired of being the strong one, the organised one, the one that no one worries about and that everyone depends on. Why can't I for once find someone that can lead the way, help ME open my eyes wider and see things in a different light? Just be here for me, in person mind and spirit.

I think I read too many fairytale stories growing up. I should have read more porn.