I shouldn't be angry

... so I'm sitting at Acura with a cafe mocha on a table in front of me, the coffee was about 10 minutes old, not sure .. I have my laptop with me typing up my CV knowing my service will take some time.

So I'm sat here when I hear a "GASP" from a woman sat nearby, suddenly I feel wet.

The guy sitting across from me tossed the paper on to the table and sent my coffee flying all over my legs and feet.

This is where my subject line comes in, I shouldn't be angry.

The Asian dude apologised if you could call his meek "I'm sorry", an apology. I smell like chocolate and coffee now. My legs slightly tingling and red.

Thankfully, not sure why, I decided to wear shorts today. I rarely wear shorts unless I'm at the beach, on vacation, etc. But my nice black (Australian) shorts with my nice top needed nice shoes so I did have my brown open-toe heels with straps around the ankle. I did.

However, before I got out of my car I thought, this looks like I'm going out downtown rather than to a dealership for an oil change.

Luckily I had a pair of black flip flops in my car so I changed into them.

Luckily for the stupid Asian guy who is avoiding me and has no control over his motor skills (he just dropped something else as I'm typing this) that my flip flops are easy to clean. If I had heels on or a different outfit, I would have freaked on him.

Luckilly for him (and I) the coffee wasn't scorching hot. I have to type this to you to calm my nerves right now or I may sock him in the eye!!! Grrrr

If I died today, I'd have died a happy woman

My heart is racing and I'm shaking out of sheer delight. I didn't know this was possible. I didn't know I could be so happy. And the reason why isn't even in the country.

Just sat through Holst's "The Planets" at the Roy, brilliant performance, but through it all I thought of you. Breathing in pure happiness, I sat throught the movement of Jupiter, The Bringer of Jollity, with tears streaking down my face. The only way I could be happier at this moment would be if you were here with me.

I feel like I'm on red bull 24/7. I'm questioning how long this can last, it's just too good to be true. I imagine how much more wonderful life would be with you to share things with that I'm now petrified at the thought of losing you.


Footnote
Sorry for this emotional rambling - my first time back and it's all cheese. I can't help it, I think he's the one.

It's not that I haven't tried.

It was like the car crash with Mike, but without the car crash, and with ten times the pain.

When you're in a relationship, you make plans. I made plans.

And then, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, they all went away.

Life's never been the same since.

People ask me why I have trouble committing.

I think it's because I fear all my possible plans will fade away again.

I once thought I was sure, and then that bubble burst. I have hope of being sure once more, unfortunately the overwhelming anxiety from the unknown usurps my common sense. But I still have hope, it's just laden with fear.

So I keep moving and breathing, lest the plans end before I want them to. Lest the loneliness will consume me.

Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

Emotionally High
Fingers running through my hair, pulling tufts out at the scalp
I want to sing and scream and dance and let out some pent up .. I don't know.
I really don't know - I should.
Perhaps I'm holding things back from myself.
I'm not listening to myself screaming out how lonely I am.

No one else knows - because I don't tell them. Tell them how sad I am. How I don't even feel at home in my own home.

I'm lost - in a world I never fathomed.

Tired of being the strong one, the organised one, the one that no one worries about and that everyone depends on. Why can't I for once find someone that can lead the way, help ME open my eyes wider and see things in a different light? Just be here for me, in person mind and spirit.

I think I read too many fairytale stories growing up. I should have read more porn.